In Sickness and Health
by jessalyn78
Summary: Christian helps Ana cope with upsetting medical news. ON INDEFINITE HIATIS
1. Chapter 1

As I walk through the front door I sigh deeply and I slip my shoes off. I sit at the kitchen table and place my purse in front of me. I have no idea how I am going to tell Christian about this. I remember the last time I was this nervous to tell him about news I heard from the doctor… That turned out to be happy news in the end. Sure he freaked at first, but now? He loves Teddy more than anything. But there is no way this could ever be good news. No, this news can only be terrible.

I have no idea how Christian is going to cope with this. He's going to be absolutely devastated. I don't even have any idea how I am going to deal with this. I cringe as I remember the conversation with my doctor.

_"Hello Mrs. Grey" she says as she shakes my hand. "Thank you for coming in on such short notice."_

_"No problem" I reply nervously as I look around. "Why did you call me back?"_

_"I'm afraid that we spotted some abnormalities in the images form the mammography we performed during your last visit."_

_"Oh?" I ask nervously as I swallow hard, trying to maintain my composure. "That could be a mistake though, right? It doesn't mean I have cancer…"_

_"We don't know for sure yet" she replies. "We'll have to perform a biopsy. I was hoping we could do that as soon as possible, possibly during this visit if that's all right with you."_

_"Yes" I answer quickly. "It's fine. I don't want to wait."_

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_"So?" I ask nervously, gritting my teeth as I wait for bad news for the second time today._

_"We should have your test results in 1-2 days" she answers softly._

_"It could be two days?" I ask shakily._

_"Waiting can be difficult" she says sympathetically. "I don't want to overwhelm you, but these should answer any questions you have" she says handing me a stack of pamphlets._

_"Thank you" I say as I stuff them in my purse._

_"If you have any questions or concerns feel free to call my office."_

_"Thank you" I repeat as I shake her hand._

God this is so surreal, I could have breast cancer. The possibilities that lie within that statement are terrifying. I could be sick for months, unable to take care of my babies. They could have to take a breast. I know that's vain to worry about, but I can't help it. And the thought that scares me the most… I could die. I could have to leave Christian, I could miss my kids growing up.

Tears start to fall from my eyes as I try in vain to calm myself down. After all, it could be nothing. I could be absolutely fine.

In the meantime, there's no need to upset Christian. There's no need for both of us to go through hell these next two days. I am going to keep this to myself.

"Ana" Christian says as he walks into the kitchen. "How was your doctor's appointment?"

"Good" I lie. "She just had some follow up questions about something, it was nothing."

"Okay" he says suspiciously. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really" I answer honestly, I feel like I'm going to throw up from all this nervousness.

"Have you eaten?" he asks.

"Yeah" I lie. "I had a salad in the car on the way home."

He stares at me and it makes me nervous, he can tell I'm lying, I need to get out of here.

"I think I hear Phoebe" I say as I quickly get up, but as I do my purse falls to the floor and the pamphlets the doctor handed me fall out.

"Damn" I say as I bend over and quickly try to gather them.

"Let me help you" he says as he picks one up.

"No!" I yell nervously, but it's too late. He's looking at it.

"Ana?" he asks as all the color drains from his face. "What the hell is this?"

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	2. Chapter 2

"Ana, what is this?" he repeats urgently as his eyes widen in horror.

"It's just some pamphlets I picked up at the doctor's office" I answer nonchalantly.

"Why the hell would you pick up a handful of pamphlets about cancer?" he asks as he grabs my arms and steadily gazes into my eyes as if he's begging me to tell him that nothing's wrong.

"Because one of my tests results was abnormal" I answer honestly as I clear my throat.

"What kind of test result?" he asks as his voice breaks.

"I had a mammography done last week."

"You have cancer?" he asks in a horrified whisper.

"I might, but I might not. I might be fine Christian" I say reassuringly. "They did a biopsy at the doctor's office I'll have the results in one to two days."

He swallows hard as if he's choking back tears. He looks away for a moment and then stares into my eyes. "Oh Ana, no, no, no" he says as he wraps me in his arms and starts to sob.

"It might be nothing" I say as I reach up and stroke his hair softly.

He holds me tighter.

"It- It has to be. I can't lose you."

"Hey" I say gently as I step out of his embrace and look him in the eye. "Christian, you are not going to lose me, I promise. There's still so much that we have left to do together. I'm not going anywhere."

"Did- did it hurt?" he asks gazing at me with concern.

"Did what hurt?"

"The biopsy, did it hurt? Are you okay?"

"Christian, I'm fine" I say gently.

"I have to go do something really quick" he says stroking my cheek. "I will be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to see if I can get those biopsy results sped up."

"Really?" I gasp. "You think you can do that?"

"I'm going to try. I'm going to take advantage of all of the money and influence that comes with the Grey name." He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair. "If- If we get bad news I'll do the same thing. I'll get you the best doctor's money can buy, fly you anywhere they have answers, we'll get multiple opinions, multiple options…"

"Christian" I interrupt. "It's okay, we haven't heard anything yet- let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Are you scared baby?" he asks me softly.

"Yeah" I admit as I fight tears. "Yeah, I'm scared Christian."

"It's okay" he says as he pulls me into another hug. "I am too."

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I lay awake in bed. No matter what I do I cannot fall sleep. I'm shocked that Christian has been able to. I watch his chest rise and fall and place my head on top of it. In his sleep, he pulls me closer to himself. I feel so safe in his arms, like nothing can happen to me. I let myself give in to that delusion and relax enough to close my eyes. I begin to drift off, but am startled awake by the feeling of Christian tossing and turning beneath me.

"No, Ana, no!"

"Christian" I say softly as I shake him. "You're having a nightmare baby, it's okay."

"You're my Ana, I can't lose you" he sobs.

"I'm right here. Hey, Christian, I'm right here. It's okay. Wake up. Christian!"

He startles awake and then gazes at me. "I- I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry" I say as I stroke his cheek. "You're really upset about this, huh?"

"Of course" he scoffs. "Ana, you could have breast cancer and there is _nothing _I can do about it."

"That's not true" I argue.

"You already did something Christian, thanks to you I'll have my tests results by tomorrow afternoon. How did you manage to do that?" I ask impressed.

"I threatened to pull my funding from the hospital your doctor's office is associated with."

"So you used your money?" I tease with a smirk hoping to put him at ease.

"Our money" he replies with an eye roll. "It's our money Ana, when are you going to get used to that?"

"Oh, I'll probably never get used to how rich you are" I tease as I run my hand over his chest. "I'll probably never get used to how sexy you are either."

"Ana" he says softly as he grabs my hand. "You've had a long day, you're upset…"

"Which is why I want to be with my husband" I interrupt. "Please Christian, I just want to forget for a few minutes. I want to be with you."

"Oh baby" he says as he caresses my face. "Are you sure you want this?"

"I am" I reply as I lean in to kiss him. He presses his lips against mine and kisses me softly, and tenderly, but passionately. He runs his hands through my hair and then runs them up and down my body. He seems so desperate, as if he's trying to convince himself that I'm really here- that I'm not going to disappear or slip through his fingers.

"I love you" he whispers huskily into my ear. "You're the only woman I ever loved. You're the only woman I ever _could _love."

"I love you too" I say softly.

"You're my life Ana. If you die I die."

Jeez, why is he talking about dying? Is he trying to ruin the mood? It's as if he's begging me not to die. As if I have some sort of control over what the news we get tomorrow will be.

"Don't say that" I reply.

"It's the truth."

"Christian, if I die the kids will need you."

He jerks back and stares at me with a look of devastation on his face, as if merely suggesting that I might die is a grievance.

He pulls me closer to him again and begins to sob. Really sob. Like I've never seen him sob before, he's come completely undone.

"Shhh" I sooth him gently as I rub my arm. "Christian, we still don't know what the results will be."

He doesn't say anything; he just holds me closer and rocks me gently until he's cried himself to sleep. It doesn't take me too long to fall asleep after him. It's been a long day and I am exhausted, but the weight of the news I'm waiting for still ways on me heavily. I have no idea what is going to happen to me.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for all the reviews I have gotten so far! I was asked by one of my reviewers to put a tissue warning at the beginning of this chapter if it was going to be a tear jerker, so I'm just going to go ahead and warn you here, it might make you cry but, I hope you enjoy!**

"Good morning" I say softly as I lean into Christian's chest.

"Good morning" he replies as he strokes my hair.

"Did you sleep well?"

"No" he answers as he shifts uncomfortably. "No Anastasia, I didn't sleep well at all."

"Me either" I admit.

"All night long I prayed that the morning would come soon because all night long I dreamed of losing you."

"You aren't going to lose me" I whisper. "Christian, I promise you. You aren't going to lose me."

"This has made me think more" he says shakily. "About my life-before I knew you. I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I ever lived without you.

"And I don't know how I ever lived without you" I say as I stroke his arm.

"I don't want you to be scared Ana. I'm going to take care of you. If I have to spend every damn penny I own to make you better I'll do it."

"We don't know the test results yet" I remind him. "I might be fine."

"You _will_ be fine, no matter what. I want you to remember that, okay? Can you remember that for me baby?"

I nod, but mostly to appease him. "What time was the lab supposed to call?"

"1:00 was the earliest time I could get them to commit to."

I look at the clock, it's only 7:00. I feel the sudden urge to cry. The uncertainty is killing me. I just wish I knew what was going to happen to me.

"Are you going to work?" I ask Christian softly.

"Absolutely not" he answers adamantly.

"Good" I sigh as I lean into him. "I don't know if I could do this by myself.

"You aren't by yourself Ana" he says, his voice breaking. "You have me. You will _always _have me."

"I know" I sigh. "And you will always have me."

**8:00**

Christian and I have decided to spend the morning with our children. I think it's Christian's way of trying to get my mind off of things. It is definitely the best way he could have picked for us to pass the time. I smile widely as I peek through the door of the nursery and see Christian and Teddy as playing with Teddy's toy train together. I'm just not sure which one of them is enjoying themself more. Who would have thought, Christian Grey once big shot CEO living a secret private life as a Dominant would be the most happy as a domesticated father of two. I love him so much, and I love my children. I stare down at Phoebe as I rock her gently. My God, she is so little. If I left her at this point, she wouldn't remember me. I would have no meaning to her. I wonder if Christian would remarry. I wonder if Phoebe would think of another woman as her mother, like I think of Ray as my father. The thought should make me feel relieved, maybe even happy in a way. It would mean that my little family that I love so much would be taken care of, that they would be able to move on, but the thought upsets me. It upsets me deeply. I don't want to be replaced, I want to be with the three of them, forever. I lay Phoebe down in her crib and make my way towards Christian and Ted.

"Hey" I hear Christian whisper in Teddy's ear. "I think mommy needs a hug."

"Mommy!" he yells as he runs towards me, waving his arms wildly.

"Hey baby boy" I say excitedly as I scoop him up in my arms.

"I love you!" he announces excitedly as he kisses my cheek.

"Oh honey, I love you too" I say choking back tears.

I look at Christian and see the tears forming in his eyes.

"I love both of you" I whisper. "No matter what."

**9:00**

Christian has decided that Teddy and him should make me breakfast in bed. I lay alone in my bed and try to stop my mind from drifting to dark places. I might be fine. All of this might be for nothing. That's what I need to focus on, the alternative is too upsetting.

"Mommy!" Ted calls from outside my door.

"Who's that?" I ask teasingly.

"It's me" he squeals.

"Is that my Teddy?" I ask continuing to feign ignorance.

"Yes!"

"And your Christian" Christian adds as he opens the door carrying a tray.

Teddy comes barreling into the room once the door is open and jumps onto the bed and into my lap.

"Tell mommy what we made for her" Christian encourages him softly.

"Eggs" he says staring at me wide-eyed, anticipating my reaction.

"You made eggs?" I gasp. "Wow, you must really love me."

"We do" Christian says as he puts the tray in front of me. "Now eat up Mrs. Grey."

"Thank you" I mouth to him appreciatively as I take a sip of orange juice.

**10:00**

As Teddy watches his favorite TV show Christian decides to take the opportunity to talk to me.

"How you doing?" he asks as he comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my waist protectively.

"I've been better" I admit shakily. "But I feel blessed to have such an amazing family."

"We're blessed to have you too" he says into my hair.

I look at Christian and tears begin to fill my eyes as I consider telling him about my insecurities, but I chicken out at the last second.

"What is it?" he asks softly.

"Nothing" I say as I look away.

"Hey" he says guiding my chin in his direction so that I'm looking at him.

"Tell me what's wrong baby, please. If you don't tell me I can't fix it."

"I'm scared" I admit. "I'm scared that if you get remarried-"

"No!" he interrupts angrily. "No, Ana, no, I'd never-"

"You'd have every right to" I argue. "Christian, you'll need a wife, and the kids will need a mother."

"I could search the whole world and I'd never find another Anastasia, any other woman would be a waste of time. I don't want anyone else, I never will. I meant what I said Ana, I'm not going to make it without you. Which is why, if we do get bad news in a few hours, you need to fight Ana. You need to fight as hard as you can.

"I will" I say as I take a deep breath. "Of course I will. I'll fight for you. I'll fight for our life together; I'll fight for the kids."

"I know you will. You're my strong Ana. You're going to make it through this, you have to."

**11:00**

Ted and Christian sit on either side of me on the couch as I hold Phoebe. Christian has been practically glued to my side all day, like he's afraid I'm going to disappear if I'm out of his sight. Ted has been especially clingy today as well. I think on some level he knows something is going on.

"I love you Bee-bee" Ted says as he kisses Phoebe's head.

"You're a very good big brother" I compliment him softly.

"I love this" Christian whispers to me. "Phoebe, and Teddy, and Ana. I could sit here with the three of you forever."

I hold Phoebe closer to me. I know exactly what Christian is talking about. I wish I could pause this moment in time and never leave it. My babies are safe, and they're with me. Christian's with me. The four of us are together, just the way it should be. It should always be just like this.

**12:00**

"I've asked my mother to take the kids for the rest of the day" Christian says as he sits next to me and puts his hand on my lap.

"Teddy will like that" I smile. "He loves his Grandma and Papa."

"And they love him" he smiles back.

"Did you tell her?" I ask shakily. "You're mother, I mean. Did you tell her about-"

"No" he answers quickly. "I couldn't bare it. I couldn't fix my mouth to say the words. It's too awful."

"She loves you" I say softly. "She might even have some advice."

"I know" he says softly. "It's just for right now-"

"It's okay" I interrupt. "You don't have to tell her before you're ready."

"I don't think I'll ever be ready for this" he sighs. "This whole experience has forced me to deal with the fact that you aren't immortal Ana, and neither are our children. At any moment I could lose any of you. The pain, it's too unbearable to even imagine. It would kill me. It would just kill me."

I put my hand on his, and for the first time since this whole thing began, I don't hold back. I reveal to him the deepest depths of my fears.

"I don't want to leave you" I say weakly as sobs began to force their way out. "I don't want to leave you or the kids."

"Shh" he says softly into my hair as he holds me close.

"I'm scared Christian" I sob. "I'm so scared."

"I know baby" he replies with a struggled sob. "I'm scared too. I'm terrified."

**1:00**

As soon as the clock strikes 1:00 Christian and I cannot take our eyes off the phone. We both finally break down and sit at the kitchen table together holding hands, with the phone lying in front of us.

Once I finally hear it ring a fear unlike anything I've ever felt before rips through me.

"Oh God" I say to Christian. "This is it."

"It's alright baby" he says softly. "Answer it."

"Hello" I say shakily.

"Hello Mrs. Grey, this Dr. Meadows, I have your tests results."

"Okay" I respond. "What do they say?"

"I'd like you to come in to discuss them with you."

"No" I argue frantically. "Tell me now, please."

"I'm afraid it's bad news Ana" she says softly. She keeps talking, but I don't hear what she's saying. I don't hear anything, I don't feel anything.

I hear Christian's voice join in with the voice of the doctor against my ear.

"What is it baby? What is she saying? Ana, are you okay?"

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	4. Chapter 4

"There are more tests we will need to perform" I hear the doctor say softly across the line.

"Baby" Christian begs desperately as he guides my face towards him. "Tell me what is going on. Please."

"Umm, umm-"I reply as my voice starts to shake. "I have to go" I say as I hang up the phone. There is no way I can process what the doctor is saying and break this news to Christian at the same time.

He looks at me and winces, and from the empty look in his eye I can tell that he already knows what I'm about to tell him.

I purse my lips together and nod. "The test was positive, I-I have cancer" I admit shakily, barely above a whisper.

"No" he replies with an anguished whimper.

I feel a flood of emotions all at once and I can't hold back any longer. "Oh Christian" I cry as I fall into his arms.

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After what feels like hours I grow tired and stop crying. Once my sobbing subsides I realize that at some point Christian had joined me. Through his cries he's whispering something that I can't quite make out, but after a moment it becomes clear.

"My Ana, my Ana, mine. I need you." he repeats as he strokes my hair.

My poor fifty. I know that his possessiveness shows the most when he's most vulnerable. It's as if he's pleading with me not to leave him. I can hear the fear in his voice, and I long to put him at ease. All through our relationship he has been so afraid of losing me. Irrationally so. I think it's because he lost his mother at such a young age, he is so afraid that the people he cares about are going to take off. I have always reassured him that I'd never leave him, but now… How can I promise that? I can't. The truth is I have no idea what is going to happen to me.

"I need you too" I say softly. "God Christian, I need you now more than ever."

"You have me" he says reassuringly as he pulls me closer. "Oh God, baby you have me. You have all of me Anastasia, you're my life."

"What happens now?" I whisper as I gaze into his eyes.

He clears his throat and shifts in his seats, physically displaying the gear change occurring in his mind. Here comes calm Christian. Business-like Christian. The Christian that gets things done. The Christian I need right now. "Now we fight Ana, we fight hard. You should call your doctor."

"What?" I ask, disoriented by everything going on. "Your doctor, you hung up on her. You should call her, there are some things we need to know. We need to know how bad this thing is."

"I don't know if I can do this" I wince as I look away.

"Of course you can baby, of course you can" he whispers into my hair. "You're my strong Ana. You are the strongest person I've ever met. You're going to beat this. _We_ are going to beat this."

"But, what if-"

"No" he interrupts softly placing his index finger over my lip. "No 'what if' we aren't going there. Call the doctor back baby, let's get some answers."

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"What did the doctor say, baby?" Christian asks me softly as he pulls me into his lap.

"Not much" I sigh. "They need to run more tests before we really know anything. She scheduled me for another appointment first thing tomorrow morning."

"What kind of tests?" Christian asks nervously as his hand sprawls across my belly protectively.

"They want to see how bad it is… If the cancer has spread" I admit as I clear my throat.

"It feels like this whole process is taking an eternity" he says frustrated. "I can't believe that it's only been since yesterday that…"

"I know" I interrupt. "I was so hopeful, I was so hopeful that this would be nothing, I was so hopeful then that now, hoping doesn't seem to come so easily-"

"Oh Ana, baby you're just scared. You're forgetting."

"Forgetting what?" I ask as I reach up to run my fingers through his hair.

"Forgetting who you are. You're my Ana. You're strong, you're stubborn as hell, you fight for what you want, you have faith in things- in the good that exists in the world, in the people you love. I don't know why you don't have that same faith in yourself."

I rest my head on his shoulder, and for a moment I try to forget the harsh reality. _My _harsh reality. That I have cancer, and my life will never be the same.

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I bounce my knees nervously as I wait for the doctor to re-enter the room.

"Hey" Christian says as he places his hand on my back. "It's okay, you're alright, I'm right here."

"I know" I sigh. "I just feel like I'm about to be handed a death sentence."

"Don't talk like that" he says as he tucks a strand of hair behind my hair. "Don't talk like that baby, you need to believe that you're going to be okay."

"How are you doing?" I ask as I gaze at him. "This can't be easy for you either… waiting like this."

"It's hell" he sighs. "This feeling is absolutely hell on earth. I want to do something, I want to fix this but all I can do I wait. Wait, and wait, and wait."

I take his hand in mine, grab it tightly, and place a soft kiss on his knuckle.

"I love you" I say, gazing at him, trying to convey all the sincerity I'm feeling inside.

"Oh baby" he sighs as he presses his lips against my forehead. "I love you too, so much."

"Excuse me" the doctor interrupts. "I have your test results."

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	5. Chapter 5

"Get on with it" Christian snaps at the doctor as he holds me tightly against his chest.

"Well-" the doctor says softly, ignoring Christian's outburst. "It isn't the best news we could have hoped for, but it isn't the worst either."

Before I can think I'm responding to her. "Am I going to die?" I say shakily, as a small sob escapes.

"I can't predict the future Mrs. Grey" the doctor answers.

"Would you just cut the fucking sarcasm and tell us what the hell is going on!" Christian shouts, indignant.

"I apologize Mr. Grey, I didn't mean-"

"I could give a shit what you meant!" he bites back harshly.

The doctor takes a deep breath and looks down at her notes and then looks back up at me.

"What I meant was, it isn't possible to determine how this will go in the long-term. It is possible that it will be difficult for you to stay in remission after treatment. You're very young Mrs. Grey, which worries me. However, for right now we're optimistic."

"Really?" I ask hopefully grasping onto Christian tightly and offering him a relieved smile. It seems as though my actions go unnoticed, he is staring off into the distance his gaze fixed, his mouth pressed into a hard line.

"You have stage II cancer" she explains softly. "The cancer hasn't spread outside your breast."

"Thank God" I gasp as tears fill my eyes.

"However" she adds warningly. "The cancer has spread within your breast."

"What treatments are you recommending?" Christian asks the doctor coldly.

"We'll need to schedule you for surgery as soon as possible."

"Surgery?" I ask warily. "What kind of surgery?"

"Certainly a lumpectomy. Whether or not you wish to pursue a full mastectomy is your decision, but it will be your best option to ensure that the cancer doesn't return after treatment. You have a very difficult decision to make" she adds as she hands me a pamphlet. "This explains some basics about the operation."

"Thank you" I respond, trying to sound as polite as I can with al of this weighing on me.

"After your surgery I want you to start chemotherapy as soon as possible" she adds as she gets up for her seat.

"Okay" I nod. I know I should be more concerned about treatment, but right now I just want to focus on one thing at a time. First we'll handle the surgery, then we can we start everything else. This isn't going to kill me, not now anyway. That's all that matters. That's what's important. My kids aren't losing their mother. Christian isn't losing his wife.

"You can call my office if you have any questions or concerns" she says warmly.

"Thank you, I might take you up on that" I sigh as she walks out.

I take a minute to collect myself. This is all so overwhelming, but it could be much worse. The doctor seemed hopeful, I think "optimistic" is the word she used.

"This is good news" I smile as I look to Christian.

"I wouldn't call it good, but it isn't as bad as it could be" he answers coldly.

"It looks like I have a big decision to make" I sigh as I stare at the pamphlets the doctor has handed to me.

"What are you talking about?" Christian scowls.

"About the mastectomy" I explain.

"How could you even think about that?" he gapes.

"Christian, I know it's drastic, but if it can stop the cancer from spreading it's worth considering-"

"That isn't what I meant" he interrupts with a horrified look on his face. "Ana, you _need_ to do this."

"Christian-"

"No Ana!" he yells. He looks into my eyes and his gaze softens. "I know this is scary, but I can't lose you baby. This is no big deal."

"Christian, it's a huge deal!" I protest. "I'd be losing a part of myself. A part of myself that you love-"

"I love _you_" he yells. "Do you really think this matters to me, do you really think I'd risk losing you just so-" He doesn't finish his sentence. He takes a moment to calm himself before speaking again "After you're better, after this whole thing is over and the cancer is _gone_, we can look into reconstructive surgery."

"But it won't be the same" I add sadly.

"Damn it Ana" he says as he starts to break down.

"I just need some time to think about this, do you think you could give that to me?" I snap as I drop my pamphlets and they fall to the floor. I bend over to pick them up and unceremoniously fall off the exam table.

"Ana!" Christian yells as he scoops me up in his arms.

"I'm fine" I say shakily as I struggle to stand.

"Oh baby" he coos in my ear as he pulls me back into his arms. "No, you're not."

"Don't be mad at me" I beg as I curl my arms around his neck.

"Oh baby, I'm not mad- not at you anyway. I'm just scared shitless. If I lost you-"

"You heard the doctor" I say gazing up at him. "She said she was optimistic."

"She also said a mastectomy would be your best chance, Ana. Don't you see what you're risking here?"

"I'm scared" I admit as I hold him closer.

"Scared of what" he asks as he smooths my hair.

"What if I do this and it changes something between us. What if it changes the way you see me?"

"No" he replies shaking his head adamantly.

"It won't Ana, never. You will always be my sweet, strong Ana. Do this for me baby, please."

I look into his eyes and can feel his fear. He's being overbearing, but like usual, the only reason he's acting this way is that he cares so much for me. He doesn't want me to leave him. In fact, that would be his deepest, darkest dream come true. It would be my _worst_ dream come true. I want a long, happy life with him. With Christian, and Teddy, and Phoebe, and any other kids we might have. And when I think of that, I suddenly understand what Christian was saying a few minutes ago. In the grand scheme of things, this really is no big deal.

"Okay" I say as I gaze at him, tears filling my eyes. "I'll do it. I'll get the mastectomy."

"Oh Ana" he sighs as he buries his face in my hair. "Thank you baby, thank you."

I start to cry and he pulls me even closer to him, impossibly close.

"It's okay baby. Everything will be fine. I'm right here. You're okay."

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	6. Chapter 6

As I go through my usual evening routine of brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, and removing my makeup, I can't stop staring at my chest in the mirror. It is so bizarre to think that after the surgery my body will be different. I suppose it's a classic case of "you don't know what you have until it's gone," I never really thought about my breasts too often before, but how will I feel without one? Will I feel like less of a woman? And, what about Christian? He says it won't make a difference, but what else is he going to say. He's so terror-stricken by the thought of me dying that I think he would have said anything to get me to agree to this surgery.

I pull up my nightgown as I begin to rub my legs with some of that ridiculously expensive lavender lotion that Christian bought me for Christmas. I look into the mirror again, but this time it is my face that I find striking. The stress of the past few days is etched all over it. I feel at least five years older, and nothing has even happened yet. I cringe as I imagine how much older I will feel when all of this is over- the surgery, the chemo…

"Hey" Christian says softly, staring at me from the door of the bathroom.

I try to respond, but a small sob escapes instead.

"Hey" he repeats as he hugs me from behind. "It's okay baby."

"I'm sorry" I mutter as I wipe away a tear with my hand.

"Tell me what's wrong?" he urges gently as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

"You know what's wrong" I answer shakily.

"Tell me" he presses.

"We're scheduling the mastectomy tomorrow."

"Yes" he answers. "And I plan on pulling strings to get you into surgery as soon as possible."

"What if that isn't what I want?" I ask warily.

"What do you mean?" he asks as he stills.

"What if I don't want you to rush the surgery, what if I want to enjoy the time I have left with-"

"Ana" he scolds gently. "This is some serious shit. The sooner this gets done, the better. I'm not going to let you play with fire here."

"This is hard for me" I say softly.

"I know it is, I know baby" he replies as he holds me tighter. "But you are my strong Ana, you're going to make it through this."

"What if I make it through this, but _we _don't" I break down and ask at a moment of heightened insecurity.

"Ana" he replies shocked as he turns me around so I'm looking at him. "That is _not_ going to happen."

"It's going to be different" I say as I stare at the floor.

"No" he objects as he tilts my chin so I'm gazing at him "No it's not, this doesn't change anything."

"I'm going to look different" I say, my voice breaking.

"No" he murmurs gently into my ear as he pulls me into his arms. "A very small part of you will look different, but your skin will still be soft, and pale, and flawless" he says running his finger across my collar bone.

"My hair is going to fall out" I add sadly.

"It will grow back" he says smiling into my neck as he kisses it. "And your legs will still be long, and sexy as hell, and your eyes will still be striking blue, and you will still be my Ana."

"I love you" I say smiling slightly as I run my fingers through his hair.

"And I you Mrs. Grey" he says as he takes a deep breath. "You look stunning."

"I look like a wreck" I say rolling my eyes. "And so do you."

"These past few days have been hell" he agrees nodding sympathetically.

"It's going to get worse before it gets better" I add.

"But it will get better" he reminds me, his eyes blazing.

I gaze into his eyes, and for a moment he gives me hope. Hope for the future, hope for what will come when all of this is over, hope that everything really will be okay. As I lean into his chest, with his arms wrapped around me I feel as if nothing could ever hurt me. "I want you" I whisper into his ear.

He lifts me into his arms and kisses me softly. I curl my arms around his neck and intensify the kiss.

He pulls back and gazes into my eyes. "I will always want you Anastasia. Don't ever doubt that. Don't ever doubt my love for you. Don't ever doubt my desire for you. You absolutely bewitch and beguile me. I will never have my fill of you. There will never come a night when I don't want to fall asleep with you in my arms, there will never come a morning when I won't want your blue eyes staring up at me to be the first thing I see."

His words reach deep within me, calming my fears, reassuring me. I try to fight it, but I can't. I begin to cry again.

"Hush now" Christian says as he pulls me closer. "Don't cry Ana, please, it breaks my heart when you cry."

"I'm not sad" I explain shakily. "It's just- I love you so much."

"I love you too" he smiles at me. I begin to kiss him once again, more hungrily than before and something within me relaxes as I feel him moan into my mouth as he walks me to the bedroom. For a little while I can just be with him- just me and him. I forget about this dark cloud hovering my head, It can just be me and him.

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"You okay?" he asks as he trails his finger across my back.

"I'm better than okay" I answer in a teasing tone. "Don't worry you didn't break me."

"You look exquisite."

"I'm sure" I reply rolling my eyes.

"You do" he argues. "The way the light is hitting your skin right now- it's perfect. You are simply beautiful Mrs. Grey."

"Do you think I should call my parents?" I ask changing the subject abruptly.

"It's pretty late" he responds gazing at the clock.

"Ray will still be up" I reply looking down unsure.

"Are you sure you're ready for this Anastasia?"

I nod nervously as I look him in the eye. "I think I need to."

"Okay" he sighs as he hands me the phone. "Do you want me stay?" I nod and grab his hand tightly.

"Please" I say softly.

"Of course" he replies as he kisses my forehead. "It's okay baby, I'm right here."

"Annie" Ray answers nervously. "Why are you calling at this hour? Is everything alright?"

"No" I admit shakily. "No Ray, it isn't."

"What is it?"

"I'm sick Ray" I say swallowing hard.

"Sick? With what?"

"I- I have cancer."

There is a long silence on the line that feels like an eternity. I grasp Christian's hand even tighter and look to him for reassurance.

"It's okay" he mouths as he nods his head and smiles. "You're doing so good."

"Oh Annie" Ray finally replies. It sounds like he's crying. Oh God, poor Ray.

"The doctor thinks I'm going to be okay" I say reassuringly. "But I'm going to need surgery, and chemo-"

"What exactly did the doctor say? What kind of cancer is it?" he asks as he clears his throat.

"It's breast cancer. Stage II."

"Oh God" he gasps. "You're so young."

"I'm not going to die" I respond, the words spilling out of my mouth before I've really thought them through. I think I'm trying to reassure myself more than him.

"Of course you're not Annie" Ray says softly. "You're strong, and healthy."

"Right" I agree.

"The surgery, when is it?" he asks as hear the rustle of papers on the other line.

"I'm not sure, we're going to schedule it tomorrow."

"Oh" he answers. "Well you let me know when you've figured it out. I'll be there."

"You don't have to" I argue.

"None of that Annie" he responds sternly. "You're my little girl, of course I'll be there. Does your mother know about this?"

"No" I admit sheepishly. "So far it's just you, and me, and Christian- and the doctor."

"I'm glad you told me" he replies. "I'm so glad you told me Annie. You call me if you need _anything_."

"I will, thank you daddy" I say as I fight tears.

"It's going to be okay sweetheart. I love you" he says as his voice breaks.

"Oh daddy" I sigh. "I love you too."

"You okay?" Christian sighs as I hang up.

"Not really" I answer. "That was harder than I expected. I don't know how I'm going to do that again with my mom, and Kate, and your family-"

"I can handle that if you want" he offers as he strokes my cheek.

"No" I shake my head. "I should at least be the one to tell my mother. But I don't think I can do it tonight."

"We'll handle it in the morning" Christian says as he pulls me into his arms. "For right now you need rest baby, you've had a long day."

I close my eyes, but sleep does not come as easily as I expected. The events from the past few days play through my head like a bad movie.

_"I'm afraid that we spotted some abnormalities in the images form the mammography we performed during your last visit."_

_"You're my life Ana. If you die I die."_

_"I'm afraid it's bad news Ana"_

_"The test was positive, I-I have cancer" _

_"You have stage II cancer, the cancer hasn't spread outside your breast. However, the cancer has spread within your breast."_

_"Okay, I'll do it. I'll get the mastectomy."_

"_This is some serious shit. The sooner this gets done, the better. I'm not going to let you play with fire here."_

"_Oh God, you're so young."_

I sniffle as more tears run down my cheeks.

"Shh" Christian says gently as he pulls me closer to him. "It's okay baby, it's all going to be okay."

I nod as I pull myself together, but I'm not really sure if I believe him or not. This just seems so much bigger than me, it seems so impossible to handle, and deep down inside I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure if it will all be okay, and absolutely scares the shit out of me.

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	7. Chapter 7

I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I have so much to face and I have no idea how I'm going to do it all. I guess I'll have to quit my job or at least take an extended leave, I still have to tell my mother, and Kate, and Christian's family about this, and Christian is insisting that we schedule the mastectomy _today_; he wants to get me into surgery as soon as possible. I understand why he feels like we're in a hurry, but this decision is so permanent that it scares me. What if I change my mind? What if this is the wrong decision? It just feels like all of this happening too quickly. I still haven't really processed it. It still doesn't seem real. My head is spinning.

"Hey" Christian croaks as he turns to face me in bed. "Feeling better?"

"No" I scoff. "Are you?"

"No" he answers as he pulls me into his arms. "No Ana, I don't anticipate feeling better until I hear that your cancer is in remission. Even then I think I'll still be scared, I'm going to be scared of losing you for the rest of my life."

"Or just the rest of _my_ life" I reply sadly.

"Hey" he scolds. "Do _not_ talk like that Anastasia."

"I didn't meant to… It's just- Christian, even if this doesn't kill me. Even if we have _years_ left to spend together, I could still die before you."

He shakes his head vigorously as he pulls me closer to him. "God, I hope not. I would be utterly lost without you Ana."

"That isn't true" I say softly as I stroke his arm. "You'd have the kids, and your family, and you could find someone else…"

"Damn it Ana" he interrupts angrily. "There is no one else for me. You know that."

"I just need to know that you'll be okay" I say shakily. "I need to know that if I don't make it through this, that you'll be able to move on."

"Well I'm sorry" he says as he clears his throat. "But, I can't tell you that because it isn't true. I wasn't okay before I had you in my life, and I wouldn't be okay if you…"

"I guess I need to get better then" I say as I pull away from him and sit up in bed.

He sits beside me and I rest my head on his shoulder.

"Yes baby" he says as he moves a strand of hair away from my face. "You do. You _need_ to get better."

"What time did you want to call the doctor to schedule the-"

"They open at 9:00" he interrupts quickly.

"It's 8:00" I say as I look at the clock. "We have an hour. I need to call work-"

"Whoa" Christian interrupts. "You are _not _going to work."

"I know" I snap. "I- I have to call my boss, and tell him that I'm not going to be able to come in for the foreseeable future."

"There's no need for that" he replies. I look at him curiously. "You're fucking your boss's boss's boss remember?"

For the first time in what feels like forever I smile back at him. "Actually you're just my boss's boss now, and I'm more than just fucking you."

"There are some perks to being married to Christian Grey" he says softly. "Let me handle work, I don't want you worrying about that."

"Alright" I sigh. "Do you think it's too early to call my mother?"

"I think you just got up and you don't need to deal with everything right this minute" he replies softly. "I'll make you breakfast."

"I get breakfast two mornings in a row?" I tease. "If I had known you'd treat me like this I would have gotten cancer a long time ago."

He looks at me with a startled, horrified expression and it occurs to me just how stupid that joke was.

"Damn it Ana, that was _not _funny" he scolds.

"I know. I- I'm sorry" I stutter.

He shakes his head as he gets out of bed and I slink back under the covers.

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"Thank you" I smile as Christian places a tray in front of me.

"You're welcome Mrs. Grey" he replies as he sits at the foot of the bed.

"Are the kids up?" I ask as I take a bite.

"Oh yeah" he laughs. "Ted is very anxious to see his mommy."

"Why didn't you bring him up here with you?"

"I wanted you to have a few minutes to yourself before you had to deal with everything" he explains as he strokes the bottom of my foot.

"Right" I sigh. "Do you want some?" I ask, changing the subject, as I push the plate towards him.

"Oh no, that is your food Ana, and I want you to finish it too."

"But there's so much here" I whine. "You could feed an entire village."

"Eat Ana" he scolds. "You need your strength."

"I'm not going to have much of an appetite during chemo" I say as I look down at the plate. "I'm going to lose weight. Are you going to freak out about that?"

"I'm not going to like it" he says as his face pales. "I'm not going to like it all, but I'm not going to be shoving food down your throat while you're throwing up if that's what you're asking."

"I just want you to realize what we're getting into" I say softly. "I'm going to be really sick for a really long time."

"I know" he nods. "I know that baby. I'm so sorry, I wish there was a way I could make all of this go away."

"I know" I say sympathetically. "I know this isn't easy for you either."

"Definitely not" he scoffs.

"Hey" I say as I take his hand. "It's going to be okay Christian- really. No matter what you're going to be okay."

"Why the fuck did you say it like that?" he snaps angrily.

"What do you mean?"

"You said _I'm_ going to be okay. Not _we're _going to be okay, or _it's_ going to be okay."

"Because" I say insecurely. "As much as I'd like to, I can't promise that. I can't promise you that I'm going to live forever Christian, but I can promise that as long as I'm here that I'll never leave you, that I'll always be here."

He runs his hands through his hair and stares off into the distance. "Don't talk like that" he says quickly. "You _are _going to be okay Ana, you have to be."

"What time is it?" I ask trying to change the subject.

"8:30" he answers as he leans over to glance at the clock.

"I should call my mother" I say as I reach for my phone. "I'd really like to get this out of the way. It's killing me to have this hanging over my head."

"Okay" he says softly as he picks up the tray. "But we're calling your doctor at 9:00, not a minute after."

"Yes sir" I reply teasingly as I bite my laugh.

He smiles at me and nods his head as he walks out of the room.

"Ana sweetheart!" my mother says. "It's been so long. How are you?"

"Not so good" I answer honestly as my voice starts to break. Holy crap, I've only been talking to her for less than a minute and I'm already about to lose it.

"Oh honey, what's wrong?" she asks sympathetically. "Is something going on between you and Christian."

"No" I say as I clear my throat. "No, it isn't Christian, it's me. I found something out recently. Something pretty upsetting."

"Oh?" she asks. "What's that dear."

"I have cancer" I admit. I had hoped that it would be easier this time since I'd already faced delivering the news to one parent, but it's still so damn hard. The words still seem so… wrong coming out of my mouth.

"What?" she gasps as her voice breaks.

"It's breast cancer, the doctor seems hopeful" I explain, hoping to calm her.

"No, that isn't possible" she cries.

"Apparently it is" I mutter.

"Are you sure, maybe it's a mistake, maybe-"

"No" I interrupt softly. "No mom, they're sure."

"Oh my God" she sighs as her sobs continue. There's silence for a moment and I think we've been disconnected.

"Mom?" I ask.

"Yes" she answers quickly. "Yes Ana, I'm right here. What can I do to help you?"

"Talking to you helps" I answer.

"Would you like it if I came to visit?"

"Of course mom. Ray's already insisting on being there for my surgery."

"You- you've talked to Ray?" she asks shakily.

Shit, is she going to be upset that I didn't call her first?

"It was late, I knew he'd be up-"

"No, honey you don't have to make excuses for yourself" she interrupts. "I'm glad you talked to him, I'm glad he's there for you."

"Me too" I smile.

"You said he wanted to be there for your surgery?" she asks. "What kind of surgery."

"I'm having a mastectomy."

"Oh, Ana" she gasps. "I'm so sorry."

"No it's okay, it was my decision" I explain. "I just feel like being for Christian and the kids is what's most important."

"Of course" she agrees. "Of course honey, you're making the right decision. You are so brave."

"I don't know about that" I mutter. "I feel like I'm falling apart here."

"No" she coos softly. "No, you are doing so good. I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks mom" I say as I fight tears again.

"Ana-" Christian says as he walks back into the room. "It's 9:00 baby."

"Listen mom" I say softly. "I have to go, I love you."

"I love you too honey, stay in touch."

"I will, I love you" I say as I hang up.

"You okay?" he asks gently.

I shake my head and try not to cry, but my despite my best efforts I begin to sob.

"It's okay baby" he says as he takes me into his arms.

"Gosh" I sigh as I wipe tears from my face. "I'm a mess. I have to stop breaking down like this."

"You do what you need to do to get through this" he replies softly as he strokes my hair.

"We should call now, huh?" I ask as I stare down at my phone.

"Yes baby, we should."

"Okay" I answer as I take a deep breath. "Let's do this."

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	8. Chapter 8

"Well it's done" I say to Christian with a struggled smile. "I got an appointment for a month from now."

"One month?" he scoffs. "No."

"What do you mean 'no?'"

"I am not living through this for an entire month Anastasia. With the money my family and I have donated over the years… I'm going to get you a closer appointment."

Closer? Closer than one month? Holy Crap. I'm not ready for this.

"Christian, please" I beg. "I need some time. Time to get used to this. Give me time. Please."

He takes a collective breath before placing his hand on my shoulder. "Ana, baby" he sighs. "I know you're scared, but the sooner we get this done the better."

"I'd like some more time, time to be normal, to look like my regular self. Don't you want that to?"

"Honestly?" he asks softly. I nod as my eyes widen. Oh God, what is he going to say?

"No" he scoffs. "I feel like I'm drowning baby, every moment that passes I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper, thinking about that disease growing inside you. I just want to get rid of it" he finishes his sentence through gritted teeth as a tear rolls down his cheek.

"Seems as though I'm not the only one who's scared" I whisper gently.

"Are you fucking kidding me!?" he seethes. "I'm terrified Anastasia, this is every worst nightmare I've ever had come true. The thought of losing you…"

"Hey" I say softly as I stroke his beautiful face. "I'm here. Right here."

"Oh Ana" he sighs as he kisses my face gently. "I love you so much baby."

"I love you too" I answer, staring deep into his grey eyes. I can see the terror in them. Poor fifty. Poor, poor fifty. Still so haunted by his past demons. His mother who left him all too soon, all by himself. He's afraid that'll happen again. That I'll leave and he'll be on his own. He's afraid of becoming that lost little boy again. I want to help him. I _need_ to help him. And, that desire gives me all the strength I need. I'm going to do this for him.

It probably isn't the best way to make this decision, based on fear, someone else's fear nonetheless, but it might just be the push I need. I'm terrified of losing my breast, but not as terrified as I am of leaving my kids, of leaving my fifty. I have another moment of clarity, similar to the one I had at the doctor's office. Not only do I need to do this, but I need to do this as soon as possible. I need to put my husband's mind at ease, all of our minds at ease.

"Okay" I sigh. "Move the appointment closer, do what you need to do."

"You are incredibly strong and incredibly brave Mrs. Grey" he says gently as he kisses my forehead. "Don't worry baby, I'll take care of you. You're going to be just fine."

"So are you" I reply as I put my hand on his arm reassuringly. "We are _both_ strong Christian, don't forget that."

"But stronger together" he smiles as he rests his hand on mine.

"Yes" I smile as our fingers knit together. "Stronger together" and, it's true. Life with Christian has changed me in many ways. He's made me more passionate, more patient, more understanding, and yes- stronger. And I know that together we will make it through this ordeal, assuming I survive it.

"Hey" he says gently. "I have some phone calls to make, and after that I have somewhere I need to be."

"Work?"

"No, Ana not work. I told you I've cleared my schedule for the next few days, but I thought it might be a good idea for me to see Flynn."

"I think that's a great idea" I smile. I'm glad that Christian is able to recognize what he needs to do to stay strong. If he's going to be mine and the kid's rock, he's going to need support to. Support beyond what I am able to give him at the moment. "You go do that Mr. Grey, I'm going to go see our son, who I hear is very anxious to see me as well."

"He's a lucky boy. You are _so_ good with him" he says with wonder in his voice.

"So are you Mr. Grey" I reassure him. "Ted is lucky to have you and so am I."

"I am the lucky one" he says as he stands to his feet. "Laters, baby."

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I hold my baby boy close to me as we watch our movie together. The Lion King, Teddy's favorite. He must have seen it hundreds of times in the past six months alone. _I_ must have seen it hundreds of times in the past six months alone, but I could care less. It isn't the movie I care about, it's being with Teddy. Seeing his face light up, and his cut giggle during funny parts of the movie, holding him close as he cuddles into me during scary parts.

"It's okay baby boy" I soothe him gently. "There's a happy ending, remember?"

I repeat those words to myself in my head. There's a happy ending. I'll get my happy ending, Christian and I will get _our_ happy ending. I'm not going to leave him, or my kids. I'm going to fight and I'm going to fight hard.

I hear my blackberry buzz on the nearby coffee table, and set Ted down on the couch, after softly kissing the top of his copper haired head.

I take a deep breath when I see that it is a text from Christian.

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Mastectomy

To: Anastasia Grey

Ana, I was able to schedule an appointment for one week from today, at 9:30 A.M. I should be home within the hour. If you need anything before then, do NOT hesitate to call me. I love you very much.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

I don't think any of our e-mails have ever had such a depressing heading, but I can't help but smile at how sweet Christian's being. He makes me feel so loved. I set my phone down, and am about to sit Ted back in my lap, but I am interrupted by a pounding at the door.

As Gail answers, I pause to listen to the interaction.

"I'd like to see Ana, please" I hear an enraged Kate request.

"Of course" Gail says. "Ana" she calls out. "You have a visitor."

"Kate" I say as I cringe, what have I done to earn the infamous wrath of Katherine Kavanagh-Grey?

"What the hell Steele!?" she seethes.

"Teddy is here" I whisper harshly motioning to the couch.

"Sorry" she says, in a more measured tone. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" I ask nervously. Kate doesn't know. She couldn't know. I've only told Christian, and my parents.

"Look" she says as she hands me this morning's paper. Holy Shit! I'm on the cover. "Billionaire Christian Grey's wife secret fight with breast cancer." How the hell did this happen? This isn't how I wanted everyone to find out. My God, poor Kate.

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way" I say as I clear my throat. "I was going to tell you… I've only just found out."

"How serious is it?" she asks as her voice breaks.

"Stage II" I sigh, hoping it means something to her. "I'm having a mastectomy."

"My God" she gasps as she pulls me into a hug. "Ana, I… I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything" I say as I break down and start crying with her.

"Hey, I'm going to help you through this. You're not alone. You know that, right?"

"Of course" I smile. "Thank you." I gasp as another thought comes to my mind. "Who else knows?" I ask as my face drains pale.

"Elliot saw it before me" she answers honestly. "I asked him not to tell Grace, Carrick, Mia, or Ethan- I figured you might want to do that."

"Yeah" I sigh. "Me or Christian. I wish I could have been the one to tell you, and that Christian could have been the one to tell Elliot. But, I guess in the end it doesn't matter. You know now."

"And I'm going to be here for you every step of the way" she adds tearfully as she puts her hand on my arm comfortingly.

"Who do you think leaked the story?" I ask my face pales. This is definitely going to piss Christian off.

"Who have you told?" she asks softly.

"Just Christian and my parents."

"Well it obviously wasn't them" she shrugs. "Someone at the hospital?"

"I guess it'd have to be" I say shakily. "We could sue them for this, right?"

"Damn straight, and you should. As well as this sleazy rag mag, they have no right to plaster your confidential medical information all over the place."

"I don't know if it's worth the fight right now. I'm pretty preoccupied."

"What can I do to help?"

"Just stay" I smile. "Ted and I are watching the Lion King."

"That sounds like a blast" she smiles back. "I should have brought Ava, she loves this movie."

"Hey Teddy!" she adds excitedly as she joins him on the couch.

"Aunt Kate!" he exclaims, surprised by her presence. Oh good, he didn't hear our conversation, he was too distracted by his movie.

I lean back into the couch and for a moment I forget about all my problems. I forget that in a week from now a piece of myself will be taken away from me forever, I forget that the situation of telling my friends and my husband's family about my cancer diagnosis was taken out of my hands and handled in a much tackier fashion then I ever would have handled it myself, I forget that in the next hour Christian will be fuming mad when he finds out what has happened, and I forget my darkest fear of all. That I might not make it through this. That my family might lose me forever. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. In this moment everything is okay.

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